I realized today that I did something that I said I would never do. I begged someone to be with me, to forgive me. I belittled myself before them, and got nothing in return.
But now, I am up off my knees. I am no longer begging. I am not perfect, but I know that I have qualities within myself that are desirable by others. I am caring, compassionate, and I love to take care of those I love.
I have always been independent, and strong. I do not need someone to validate who I am. I love who I am. I make mistakes. I am goofy and silly and very blonde. I trip over random (non)cracks in the sidewalk, then laugh. I love to argue/debate, and I hate to lose. I'm clumsy and awful at sports. I am ridiculously feminine, but I can get down with the best tomboys. I can shoot a bulls eye with a .357 11 out of 12 times. I desperately love my family, and my faith is what drives me. I would love to have someone in my life, but the truth is, if someone does not love me for me, then they are not meant to be in my life!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Relationship
I want a legitimate relationship. I want someone who is just mine. No gray areas, no maybes. Someone to be there for me, to listen when I need them..Someone I can hold and that will hold me when I need to be held...I want someone to kiss me randomly, just because they felt like it. I want someone to call me or text me out of the blue...someone that remembers all my little quirks, and loves me anyway. I want a love that withstands time, that is all the cliches...I want someone to fight with, to debate with, to be mad at...someone to cuddle with, and spoil like crazy. I want someone that I can buy random things for just because I know that he'll like them...I want someone to cook dinner for every night...I'm ready to be married...to come home to the man I love every day. I want to know that until the end of my days on Earth I have someone to call my own, as much as a person can be mine. I want someone to have children with, that will hold my stomach as it swells and talk to the baby growing within me. I want someone to hold my hand and just be. I want someone to take me on dates...I want someone that will be proud to show the world that I am theirs. i want someone that looks at me with wonder in their eyes, and love in their heart. I want someone that will forgive my transgressions and know that I am only human and I make mistakes...
Dreams and Nightmares
I know that large amounts of what I post on here sounds depressing, when in reality I'm usually happy. This page is my diary, my innermost thoughts pouring out to drift away in space where random people can read them, and hopefully learn/relate to them. I have very few people that I trust enough to talk to about my life, so this blog is the recipient of all the thoughts I don't feel like I can share with my everyday world.
That said, my mom called me yesterday and told me that she had a nightmare about me. She said that we were at our house, but it wasn't our house and it was pouring rain. She said that the house began to flood and she reached for me, but she couldn't hold on and I drifted away from her. She woke up abruptly and said she felt really awful about it and felt as though she should tell me.
I think that in reality, she is afraid of my interest in Islam and feels like I am abandoning her-in essence, drifting away, or being pulled away from her. It terrifies me to hurt my momma. She is my life, next to my faith. I love her with everything in me. She essentially raised me as a single mother, and while not perfect, she did her best and always loved me. I've always taken care of her because she doesn't know how to take care of herself. My mom is so fragile, so breakable. She is hurt so easily, and is depressed often. I'm afraid that when I tell my mom I'm Muslim that she will fall apart. She is already dealing with my step dad being in a coma, my sister moving to Alabama, dealing with finances when she has never had to before, problems with my brother, that I fear I will be the person to push her over the edge. I can't lose my mom.
But I also know that the time has come for me to tell her. I know the reaction will not be ideal, but there is no perfect timing for me. Something awful always seems to be happening so the timing is not "right." My conversion was on October 16, 2009 and two days later on October 18, 2009 my step dad was in a motorcycle accident that left him in a coma. That was the first barrier. Next my sister moving, what next? I can not keep putting off telling my family for fear that the time is wrong. There will be questions, fears, and misguided thoughts, but Insha'Allah I will have strength and patience to get through everything! Please make dua for me and my family that my reveal will be as painless as possible. Ameen!
That said, my mom called me yesterday and told me that she had a nightmare about me. She said that we were at our house, but it wasn't our house and it was pouring rain. She said that the house began to flood and she reached for me, but she couldn't hold on and I drifted away from her. She woke up abruptly and said she felt really awful about it and felt as though she should tell me.
I think that in reality, she is afraid of my interest in Islam and feels like I am abandoning her-in essence, drifting away, or being pulled away from her. It terrifies me to hurt my momma. She is my life, next to my faith. I love her with everything in me. She essentially raised me as a single mother, and while not perfect, she did her best and always loved me. I've always taken care of her because she doesn't know how to take care of herself. My mom is so fragile, so breakable. She is hurt so easily, and is depressed often. I'm afraid that when I tell my mom I'm Muslim that she will fall apart. She is already dealing with my step dad being in a coma, my sister moving to Alabama, dealing with finances when she has never had to before, problems with my brother, that I fear I will be the person to push her over the edge. I can't lose my mom.
But I also know that the time has come for me to tell her. I know the reaction will not be ideal, but there is no perfect timing for me. Something awful always seems to be happening so the timing is not "right." My conversion was on October 16, 2009 and two days later on October 18, 2009 my step dad was in a motorcycle accident that left him in a coma. That was the first barrier. Next my sister moving, what next? I can not keep putting off telling my family for fear that the time is wrong. There will be questions, fears, and misguided thoughts, but Insha'Allah I will have strength and patience to get through everything! Please make dua for me and my family that my reveal will be as painless as possible. Ameen!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
New Favorite Song: How Many Times?
How many times i couldn’t sleep
Cause i saw you die in my dreams
How many times you lied to me
Raised my hopes and i believed
So many times you went away
Even thou you promised me to stay
You always said soon it'll be ok
But till today, nothing’s changed
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strength of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose this life, Instead of love
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strengths of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose this life, Instead of us
How many times they said I’m a fool
But it’s your charm have faith in you
I always thought one day we would reunite
Leaving hell, reaching paradise
But now i know it was just a dream
Now i know it will never be
a beautiful completed family
you just exist in my dreams
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strength of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose this life, Instead of love
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strengths of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose his life, Instead of us
Instead of us
Joy Denalane
Cause i saw you die in my dreams
How many times you lied to me
Raised my hopes and i believed
So many times you went away
Even thou you promised me to stay
You always said soon it'll be ok
But till today, nothing’s changed
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strength of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose this life, Instead of love
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strengths of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose this life, Instead of us
How many times they said I’m a fool
But it’s your charm have faith in you
I always thought one day we would reunite
Leaving hell, reaching paradise
But now i know it was just a dream
Now i know it will never be
a beautiful completed family
you just exist in my dreams
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strength of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose this life, Instead of love
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strengths of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose his life, Instead of us
Instead of us
Joy Denalane
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Islam On TV :)
On Hawthorne tonight they showed a Muslim family that was facing a big decision on whether to have surgery or not, and before they made a decision they prayed, Alhamdulillah! :) Idk if the actors were Muslim, but if not, then the producers actually had it researched and done properly. The words, movements were all done correctly. Thought that was pretty cool :)
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Never let someone be your everything, because when they are gone you have nothing...
You might have loved me, if you had known me. If you had ever known my mind. If you would have walked through my dreams and memories. Who knows what treasures you might have found. Yes, you might have loved me. If you had only taken the time...And yet I love you. I love you more than anything in this world and there is nothing I want more than to be holding you now and forever. But maybe it's not for the best. Maybe it's true, that sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together. But I don't believe in letting go. I think that if you truly love someone, that you will fight for them. I'm not talking about stalking them, or begging. I'm talking about changing yourself to be the better person that they need, so in turn they can be better themselves. It means proving to them every day that you can be a person worthy of their love. It means making sacrifices. It means that sometimes instead of fighting, you have to love more...and sometimes you have to let down your guard, sometimes you have to let down your pride and say you were wrong, and pray that one day they forgive you...
Sorry
I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry if I made you cry. I'm sorry for your distress. I'm sorry I hurt your pride. I'm sorry I deceived you. I'm sorry I was a lie. I'm sorry you didn't see the real me. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I wasn't what you thought. I'm sorry for the pain I caused. I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't expect anything. Just know that I really loved you, and still do. I make mistakes. Some worse than others. I hurt people. I do things that sometimes I don't understand. Most times because it seems like a good idea at the time. I have regrets. I don't relate my experiences to the rest of the world, because that is an excuse. I don't make excuses for my actions. That is weakness. I am just me. No excuses.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Immigration
I find it ironic that there is so much hatred for immigrants in America. Do people not realize that everyone here (barring American Indians) are immigrants? The USA is made of immigrants. There is no specific culture that makes us. We are unique in the fact that we are made of so many religions/languages/cultures. If you kick out every immigrant in the US and their families, very few people would be left.
People call out Mexicans and Muslims more often than any other group of people. I will address the Mexican part first:
Mexican people have their origins in American Indians and Spanish settlers. Therefore, their ancestors were here before white people (well the Indian half). The US took most of the Southern half of their territory from Mexicans in war. Is it really valid to say that they are immigrants then? The southern half of the US has a culture that is rich in Mexican heritage. Our dance, food, clothing, style of living, and housing all have influences that date back to Mexico.
Now for the Muslim part. MUSLIMS ARE NOT ALL THE SAME PEOPLE. Muslims come from Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Malaysia, Mexico, Canada, China, Europe, and *GASP* right here in the United States! Muslims are white, black, Mexican, Hispanic, Asian, etc. So to tell them to "go back where they came from" or that they are not welcome here is absurd. How can you tell someone born and raised here to "go back where they came from!" This land is not exclusively designated for white, straight, Christian people only. It is a land born of freedom, tolerance, and respect for other people. Yet once again, people have let each other down in their inability to embrace the foreign or unknown. Hatred has persevered in our hearts.
Please, please, next time you open your mouth to spout ignorance, stop. Think. Have you researched this topic? Do you know anything about the valid points? If not, I'm begging you, keep your mouth shut! You are only showing your ignorance by spouting lies and bigotry. Everyone has a right to be here, not just you. Where would you be if America had refused your ancestors?
People call out Mexicans and Muslims more often than any other group of people. I will address the Mexican part first:
Mexican people have their origins in American Indians and Spanish settlers. Therefore, their ancestors were here before white people (well the Indian half). The US took most of the Southern half of their territory from Mexicans in war. Is it really valid to say that they are immigrants then? The southern half of the US has a culture that is rich in Mexican heritage. Our dance, food, clothing, style of living, and housing all have influences that date back to Mexico.
Now for the Muslim part. MUSLIMS ARE NOT ALL THE SAME PEOPLE. Muslims come from Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Malaysia, Mexico, Canada, China, Europe, and *GASP* right here in the United States! Muslims are white, black, Mexican, Hispanic, Asian, etc. So to tell them to "go back where they came from" or that they are not welcome here is absurd. How can you tell someone born and raised here to "go back where they came from!" This land is not exclusively designated for white, straight, Christian people only. It is a land born of freedom, tolerance, and respect for other people. Yet once again, people have let each other down in their inability to embrace the foreign or unknown. Hatred has persevered in our hearts.
Please, please, next time you open your mouth to spout ignorance, stop. Think. Have you researched this topic? Do you know anything about the valid points? If not, I'm begging you, keep your mouth shut! You are only showing your ignorance by spouting lies and bigotry. Everyone has a right to be here, not just you. Where would you be if America had refused your ancestors?
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Ground Zero Mosque
I was reading an article about the Ground Zero Mosque (which is not at ground zero, but two blocks away) and found this genius conversation:
In response to the mosque being built: I do find it ironic that the NYC Islamic community wants to build a mosque at Ground Zero, where thousands of innocent Americans were killed by Islamic extremists. Doesn’t that bother anyone? Or am I just going to be branded a crazy?
Response: Yes, how dare any Muslims step onto Manhattan. Since 9/11, it’s been a sacred Christian area, and no other religions shall be practiced there. They can keep their voodoo in NJ where it belongs.
LOL
But really, since when is New York a strictly Christian city? America is made of all kinds, whether it be Christian, Muslim, Jew, Hindu, etc. No religion can lay claim to an entire city. People from every religion died in the terrorist attacks, not just Christians. If Muslims can not build a mosque two blocks from ground zero, where can they build one? Is it okay six blocks away? Twelve? Who gets to draw the lines?
In response to the mosque being built: I do find it ironic that the NYC Islamic community wants to build a mosque at Ground Zero, where thousands of innocent Americans were killed by Islamic extremists. Doesn’t that bother anyone? Or am I just going to be branded a crazy?
Response: Yes, how dare any Muslims step onto Manhattan. Since 9/11, it’s been a sacred Christian area, and no other religions shall be practiced there. They can keep their voodoo in NJ where it belongs.
LOL
But really, since when is New York a strictly Christian city? America is made of all kinds, whether it be Christian, Muslim, Jew, Hindu, etc. No religion can lay claim to an entire city. People from every religion died in the terrorist attacks, not just Christians. If Muslims can not build a mosque two blocks from ground zero, where can they build one? Is it okay six blocks away? Twelve? Who gets to draw the lines?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Relationships
I recently found this on a site and thought it was pretty accurate: "It's shocking how much guys will talk about marriage. Until there's a ring on your finger, it will be better for you if you pretend you're deaf." So many times people will say all the right things and never mean one of them. They've found all the magic codes to open another person's heart and use them to their advantage. In the Bible it says to guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of your life...This holds true even today. If we don't guard our hearts from people we run the risk of being destroyed. However, we must not take things too literally, because if we guard our hearts from everyone then we destroy ourselves. People are made to love and be loved...
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
-Lao Tzu
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
-Lao Tzu
Monday, July 19, 2010
Morning Prayers :)
This morning after I got off work (at 5am!) I went to a park by my house and watched the sun rise and prayed, Alhamdullilah :) Even with cars driving by and the world waking up, it was so peaceful. I thought about my life recently and just let go of some of things I've been holding on to. I realized that some things you just can't change and that I need to just roll with it. I have an inner peace now and know that no matter what happens, it is the will of Allah and He will make things right in time...all blessings are from Allah, but all pain is also from Allah! Insha'Allah I will learn to not ask for deliverance, but only ask for grace, perseverance, and patience to deal with the issues I encounter in day to day life. It's not always supposed to be easy, but through fire we are purified.
Don't wish me happiness-I don't expect to be happy. It's gotten beyond that somehow. Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor-I will need them all.
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Don't wish me happiness-I don't expect to be happy. It's gotten beyond that somehow. Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor-I will need them all.
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Late Night Posting is Never a Good Idea...
You know what? Sometimes you just have to look at the things you're going through and say "forget you, forget this, forget everything, I'm me. If you don't like me, forget you. If you don't like the things I do or say, forget you. Stop trying to change me into something I'm not. Sometimes I'm heartless. Sometimes I'm needy and overemotional. I may be one huge contradiction and confuse you and make you mad, but this is me. If you can't love me at my worst, you damn sure don't deserve me at my best! "
Goodnight world :)
Goodnight world :)
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Emotions...
I've been hearing a lot lately that I'm too emotional. I think a lot of the time I bottle things up, conceal them from the outside world, until they blow up. I don't really know how to be different...
Maybe I'm emotional
Maybe It's all a big lie
Maybe I pretend
and fake my way through life
A victim of my circumstance?
I don't believe in that...
We each make our own fate,
Our own circumstance.
So I stand here on my own
Shell of a woman
Holding whats left of my heart...
An actress on the stage of life
Playing this part, that part
Never revealing me
You think you see me
but you have no clue
This is just a shade of me
a mirror image of you...
Maybe I'm emotional
Maybe It's all a big lie
Maybe I pretend
and fake my way through life
A victim of my circumstance?
I don't believe in that...
We each make our own fate,
Our own circumstance.
So I stand here on my own
Shell of a woman
Holding whats left of my heart...
An actress on the stage of life
Playing this part, that part
Never revealing me
You think you see me
but you have no clue
This is just a shade of me
a mirror image of you...
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Crazy?
Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. I sit in the dark, thoughts crowding my mind so completely that I can't sleep. Insomnia is my best friend-we go way back. My thoughts drift to darker times, times from my past that are usually hidden away. Nobody sees the inside of me. They don't see the unhappiness I feel every day. It has become commonplace to put up a front, a happy face for all to see. Very few people have seen the darkness of my mind...the twisted snarls of confusion, the intense anger for every wrong done...
And yet there is a numbness that fills me. I don't remember what it feels like to be truly happy, to be truly loved. I feel drained, like I've given away all of me, and received nothing back. I don't remember what it feels like to be compassionate, to be caring. I go through the motions, but the feeling is not there. I cook because I'm supposed to. I call because I'm supposed to. But I feel nothing. My family, my friends, all fall away, and it's just me. I am all I have. People say they'll be there, but it's only when it is convenient for them. They dip out when you really need them...
I miss the fire and ice, the intensity of emotions that I used to feel. I feel like I have seen too much, heard too much, experienced too much, to believe in true love anymore. It is all so fake, so contrived. What happened to loving someone for who they are, to forgiving the person you love, to loving someone so much that their faults became nonexistent? Each time I start to open myself, to show the scarred interior of my broken heart, something happens to slam it shut again. Each time it becomes harder to open...
I am the ultimate contradiction...I am strong willed and fiercely independent...yet I crave someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I believe that women are strong enough to conquer anything, yet I don't want to be alone and I yearn for someone to tell me what is right and wrong, to be the head of my household. I hate being attached, but I can't be alone...
They say that everyone comes with baggage...So true, but I wonder if I come with more baggage than the average person...
Can someone so damaged be loved?
And yet there is a numbness that fills me. I don't remember what it feels like to be truly happy, to be truly loved. I feel drained, like I've given away all of me, and received nothing back. I don't remember what it feels like to be compassionate, to be caring. I go through the motions, but the feeling is not there. I cook because I'm supposed to. I call because I'm supposed to. But I feel nothing. My family, my friends, all fall away, and it's just me. I am all I have. People say they'll be there, but it's only when it is convenient for them. They dip out when you really need them...
I miss the fire and ice, the intensity of emotions that I used to feel. I feel like I have seen too much, heard too much, experienced too much, to believe in true love anymore. It is all so fake, so contrived. What happened to loving someone for who they are, to forgiving the person you love, to loving someone so much that their faults became nonexistent? Each time I start to open myself, to show the scarred interior of my broken heart, something happens to slam it shut again. Each time it becomes harder to open...
I am the ultimate contradiction...I am strong willed and fiercely independent...yet I crave someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I believe that women are strong enough to conquer anything, yet I don't want to be alone and I yearn for someone to tell me what is right and wrong, to be the head of my household. I hate being attached, but I can't be alone...
They say that everyone comes with baggage...So true, but I wonder if I come with more baggage than the average person...
Can someone so damaged be loved?
Friday, July 16, 2010
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