There is no end. There is no beginning.

There is only the infinite passion of life.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Dreams and Nightmares

I know that large amounts of what I post on here sounds depressing, when in reality I'm usually happy. This page is my diary, my innermost thoughts pouring out to drift away in space where random people can read them, and hopefully learn/relate to them. I have very few people that I trust enough to talk to about my life, so this blog is the recipient of all the thoughts I don't feel like I can share with my everyday world.

That said, my mom called me yesterday and told me that she had a nightmare about me. She said that we were at our house, but it wasn't our house and it was pouring rain. She said that the house began to flood and she reached for me, but she couldn't hold on and I drifted away from her. She woke up abruptly and said she felt really awful about it and felt as though she should tell me.

I think that in reality, she is afraid of my interest in Islam and feels like I am abandoning her-in essence, drifting away, or being pulled away from her. It terrifies me to hurt my momma. She is my life, next to my faith. I love her with everything in me. She essentially raised me as a single mother, and while not perfect, she did her best and always loved me. I've always taken care of her because she doesn't know how to take care of herself. My mom is so fragile, so breakable. She is hurt so easily, and is depressed often. I'm afraid that when I tell my mom I'm Muslim that she will fall apart. She is already dealing with my step dad being in a coma, my sister moving to Alabama, dealing with finances when she has never had to before, problems with my brother, that I fear I will be the person to push her over the edge. I can't lose my mom.

But I also know that the time has come for me to tell her. I know the reaction will not be ideal, but there is no perfect timing for me. Something awful always seems to be happening so the timing is not "right." My conversion was on October 16, 2009 and two days later on October 18, 2009 my step dad was in a motorcycle accident that left him in a coma. That was the first barrier. Next my sister moving, what next? I can not keep putting off telling my family for fear that the time is wrong. There will be questions, fears, and misguided thoughts, but Insha'Allah I will have strength and patience to get through everything! Please make dua for me and my family that my reveal will be as painless as possible. Ameen!

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