tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90110805564954448242024-02-08T10:12:56.182-08:00*Authentically Me*Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-87713700702019592212013-04-16T14:22:00.005-07:002013-04-16T14:22:48.420-07:00Circles I am stuck in perpetual...not hell, but purgatory. A land of nothingness that blurs by, and there is no release. I have never stopped loving my daughter's dad. I hate him, yet in the same breath I want him with a passion that is uncontrollable and undeniable. I need him. I crave him. He is mine, yet has never been less so. I can't escape him. He is in my dreams. I moved in with my best friend of five years to try and have a stable life for myself and Ari, but there is no love. We are roommates pretending to date. There is no passion, no romance, no sex. I'm drowning in my bad decisions and I can't remember how to swim. I need to feel wanted. Why am I so attracted to men who are not right for me? Why can't I be attracted to the good guy? My "boyfriend" makes me feel unattractive. How can you be in a new relationship and never have sex?? I can walk around naked and he tells me to put clothes on! What the fucking fuck. I feel like it's because I'm fat. I'm so confused. Like everyone says he's been waiting to date me for years, so why the lack of intimacy?
I've also become obsessed with my weight again. I ate 321 calories yesterday and worked out for 3 hours. Then I went to see my ex. He makes me feel sexy and beautiful in a way that my current boyfriend doesn't. I never imagined I would be the asshole that cheats. What have I become? I just can't let go, no matter how many times he proves that he doesn't want to be with me. Urghhghghg. I need a new perspective on life. I need to move away from him to get him out of my life. But then I'm running from my problems. I thought life would be so much simpler after this move. It's only become more complicated. Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-36531629050045685072012-08-24T14:04:00.000-07:002012-08-24T14:04:05.040-07:00Lies?I feel like no one has been truthful. I have lied, but so have you. For months, we kept secrets, kept each other in the dark. You deny your part, but every part of my body screams that you have been untrue. Mutual friends warned me, saying that you told many girls the same words you were whispering to me...<br /><br />For so many months, I caught you in lies, but never said a word. You took advantage of me, showing up late at night, smelling like things you said you didn't do. You took me as a fool, something that I did nothing to help. I looked the other way for everything, because I wanted so badly to be with you. <br /><br />But we're both to blame. Maybe we were never meant to be together...maybe we made more of this than it was ever supposed to be. Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-28972232794031328862012-05-03T00:42:00.001-07:002012-05-03T00:42:45.967-07:00What is it about you?What is it about you that keeps me coming back? Is it your smile? Your eyes? The air of mystery that surrounds you? Or the fact that you 'get' me? Why can I not let you go? It's been almost 3 years since we broke up. I love that I can still call you my best friend, but I wish we were so much more. You know that...
I'm terrified that I will never love anyone but you. When I date someone, I compare them against you to see if they are good enough. I know it's not healthy, but it's kind of hard to move on when I'm not over you. So cliche, right? I feel like I'm writing a teeny bop song or some corny movie line out of The Notebook.
It feels so cruel that Allah could put someone in my life that is perfect for me in every way, yet deny me the happiness of being with them. I wish that when you looked at me, you would see the one you loved. That the very thought of living without me took your breath away-as it does mine.
They say time heals all wounds, and that if you cut someone completely out of your life that it is easier to move on. I say bullshit. We tried that. For one long year we had zero contact. When we saw each other in public, we wouldn't even say hello. I emailed you April 22 to apologize for the fight we had the last time we spoke...I didn't even expect a reply. But you did. And we started talking again...
May 13 you came over...we watched movies and hung out. When the time came for you to leave I was laying on the couch. I leaned up to hug you and you put your arm around me and just held me for a long time. I glanced up and your eyes were closed and you were smelling my hair like you used to. You pinched me cheek, so I bit your hand.
And you kissed me.
That kiss held the world for me.Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-8912050010208991892012-05-03T00:00:00.004-07:002012-05-03T00:00:37.498-07:00A long time has passed......It's been almost a year since I last wrote. I ended up naming my little girl Ari Inaya. Maybe if her dad had been around more, I would have considered his name choices for her (Lillyanna Any'ah), or giving her his last name. Sadly, he couldn't be bothered to show up for the three days we were in the hospital when his daughter was born. So much has happened over the last year, and I am happy to say I no longer suffer from PPD. My little girl is happy and healthy :) My mom has moved into my extra bedroom and watches Ari while I'm at work and school. It hasn't been easy at all, but I'm making my little dysfunctional family work. We are no longer trying to make things work. Wishing something were (was?) different doesn't make it so, unfortunately.Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-40502609469117806312011-07-27T22:09:00.000-07:002011-07-27T22:13:22.048-07:00PPD and PTSDI have postpartum depression. He has post traumatic stress disorder. What are we doing??? I cry a lot. I don't feel like I am bonding with my daughter. I am her care giver. I hate this feeling. I hate myself. I failed her. Her dad doesn't know what he wants. Half the time we're together-when he wants to be. And the other half? I'm alone. He gets angry when I don't call, but doesn't call himself. Everything is my fault. I went out one time and all of a sudden I'm inconsiderate. Yet he says he's coming over every day and doesn't show up. I hate what my life has become. I hate him, but I can't move on. I love him. We're two very damaged people trying to make things work. At least I am. Idk what he's doing.Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-85839718983301851322011-05-26T10:39:00.000-07:002011-05-26T10:45:12.885-07:00Almost Done!I am now 39 weeks pregnant! Inshallah I won't be pregnant much longer :) I can't wait to see my little girl and hold her. I've had a lot of trouble with names and picking one that I find is perfect. I love Inaya but picking another name has proven almost impossible :/ <br /><br />Semester is finally over and I passed all my classes Alhamdulillah! And I had my last day of work a week ago so now all I am doing is waiting for my little girl. <br /><br />It's funny how I have waited 39 weeks patiently, but this last week is so awful! I want her here now. I find I have little patience and am snappy a lot of the time. I was not emotional whatsoever during my pregnancy. I didn't cry or have random mood swings at all, until now. Now I feel like one big emotional wreck! Hopefully after she is born I won't be so crazy lol. I am proud that I only gained 15 lbs this entire time though! I've been walking and swimming a lot and Inshallah I will lose weight easily after she's born.Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-29120090804365795282011-01-24T20:09:00.000-08:002011-01-24T20:14:55.973-08:00New Year AgainSo here we are in 2011...it's been a long time since I started this blog, and a lot has changed since I began. I never posted as much as I said I would, or as much as I would have liked, but I keep coming back. I am now 22 weeks pregnant now and I find out February 2nd if I'm having a boy or girl! I'm due June 8 :) I haven't had a very easy pregnancy so far. I've had hyperemesis gravidum and have taken Zofran to control it since week 16. I lost 16 lbs but have gained back 5 finally. I have a new house with plenty of room for me and baby, and am taking classes this semester still. Life is looking up finally! Hopefully 2011 will be so much better than 2010! <br /><br />Good luck this year ladies! Hope your year is amazing and blessed :)Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-16351962374168075382010-10-25T21:58:00.000-07:002011-01-24T20:06:22.052-08:00New Beginnings...AgainSO big things are happening in my life right now! I told my mom I was Muslim, and Alhamdulilah she didn't take it badly! She still tells me to pray to Jesus pbuh and bought my decorative crosses for my birthday, but at least she knows my views. <br /><br />On another hand, I found out that I am 8 weeks pregnant. As a Muslimah, obviously this was not a planned pregnancy because I am not married. Please, if you have negative comments, leave before you post :). I never claimed to be perfect. I have made mistakes, but I plan on moving forward as positively as possible from this point on. I believe that Allah can make blessings from any pain. <br /><br />The father is Guy #3 from a previous post. We were no longer speaking when I found out I was pregnant. I had been extremely sick in september. I was diagnosed with pneumonia, bronchitis, whooping cough (pertussis), and mono. All of the medications they put my on basically made my birth control worthless, but I was never informed of this. I took a pregnancy test sept 23 and oct 4 and both came out negative, but a test on oct 8 confirmed I was pregnant. The father knows, but doesnt know if he wants to be a part of our lives. I dont know if I want him to be a part of our lives. I kind of just wish he would disappear, but I also want whats best for the baby.Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-35460810801939350102010-09-14T21:48:00.001-07:002010-09-14T22:06:12.206-07:00So confused...Right now I'm going through a lot of changes, and I don't really know what to do. I've lost so many friends, some of them extremely close. I'm kind of lost and feel like I'm screwing up. I feel like my life is falling apart...and that I don't know how to stop it, or really care. I just accept that this is how it is. What is it about me that makes me unlovable? I know alot of my posts are weird, but I really meant this to be an online diary of all my thoughts, not a perfect bunch of notes to be read by others. These are my raw emotions, my inner thoughts, screaming to get out. I don't think I like the person I've become...<br /><br />I'm dating someone, but it's not right. I don't know how else to put it...<br />I feel as though he's using me. He's confusing and rude, and downright mean sometimes.<br />Yet I can't leave.<br /><br />What is it with me that I always find the worst relationships? After Niyi it seems like the only people I seek out, are those that try to hurt me. <br />Guy #1 broke my heart for months, cheating on me, lying to me, judging me, and yelling at me that I wasn't good enough for him. He proposed and took it back...Only after I ended it did I find out that there was 4+ other girls he was seeing at the exact same time as me.<br />Guy #2 told me he wanted the world for me, that I was too good to be true. That he wanted forever with me. Then deleted me off facebook and cut off his phone line the next day and I find out through friends that he's in a relationship and they're sooooo In Love. <br />Guy #3 is current...I don't know where to start. He plays games, won't add me on fb, talks to girls and won't answer the phone for hours at a time, but if I talk to guys he freaks out. He has crazy mood swings and sometimes I think he could get violent. I feel so stupid because I see my stepdad in him. I see the same anger, the same violence that I hated, yet I stay. Why? He reminds me so much of Guy #1, yet hates Guy #1. Irony much? haha...Then there's his baby mama. Don't twist this, because I love his kids more than life. Bre and Jeremiah are my life, even though it's only been a short time we've been together. It amazes me, but children are so easy to love. I look at them, especially Bre, and I see my future. I want to hold them and read them bedtime stories. I want to wake up and kiss them goodbye as I drop them off at school. I feel as though there's something shady behind his baby mama. Like she's fake...<br /><br />I think I fear loneliness. I'm following in my mom's footsteps exactly. She always said she stayed because she's only half of a person and couldn't live alone. I don't know if I consider myself to be half a person, but I do know that I don't want to be alone. <br /><br />I want to be loved...I want to feel his arms around me, his lips on mine. I want to hear whispered I love yous. I want to see our children lying asleep in their beds. I want to feel his eyes on me and hear him tell me I'm beautiful. I want to make breakfast and have dinner ready on the table. I want everything. I don't want to settle. But I'm terrified that if I don't settle, that I'll never find anything better.Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-56249710580424827582010-08-02T02:43:00.000-07:002010-08-02T02:50:41.864-07:00I'm not trying to say I don't want you, because I do...all I'm saying is I'm done chasing after youI love you. But that's not enough...I chase you, beg you to see me, talk to me, but you reject me. You would rather be out with friends, or even just watching tv. You tell me that you miss me, want to see me, but you can't even take out a few hours to see me? Something is wrong with this picture! If I was important to you, you would make me a priority. And yet I hold on. Almost as if I'm waiting for you to see how much I care, as if how much I love you could change how you feel about me, how you treat me. Do you even see me? Or just what I can do for you? Am I the filler in your day when you have nothing better to do? Or worse, the filler in your life until you find the woman you actually want to be with?Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-82958780659901645732010-07-29T22:16:00.000-07:002010-07-29T22:27:26.703-07:00Up off my kneesI realized today that I did something that I said I would never do. I begged someone to be with me, to forgive me. I belittled myself before them, and got nothing in return. <br /><br />But now, I am up off my knees. I am no longer begging. I am not perfect, but I know that I have qualities within myself that are desirable by others. I am caring, compassionate, and I love to take care of those I love. <br /><br />I have always been independent, and strong. I do not need someone to validate who I am. I love who I am. I make mistakes. I am goofy and silly and very blonde. I trip over random (non)cracks in the sidewalk, then laugh. I love to argue/debate, and I hate to lose. I'm clumsy and awful at sports. I am ridiculously feminine, but I can get down with the best tomboys. I can shoot a bulls eye with a .357 11 out of 12 times. I desperately love my family, and my faith is what drives me. I would love to have someone in my life, but the truth is, if someone does not love me for me, then they are not meant to be in my life!Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-25357148790543680052010-07-29T03:56:00.000-07:002010-07-29T04:06:11.097-07:00RelationshipI want a legitimate relationship. I want someone who is just mine. No gray areas, no maybes. Someone to be there for me, to listen when I need them..Someone I can hold and that will hold me when I need to be held...I want someone to kiss me randomly, just because they felt like it. I want someone to call me or text me out of the blue...someone that remembers all my little quirks, and loves me anyway. I want a love that withstands time, that is all the cliches...I want someone to fight with, to debate with, to be mad at...someone to cuddle with, and spoil like crazy. I want someone that I can buy random things for just because I know that he'll like them...I want someone to cook dinner for every night...I'm ready to be married...to come home to the man I love every day. I want to know that until the end of my days on Earth I have someone to call my own, as much as a person can be mine. I want someone to have children with, that will hold my stomach as it swells and talk to the baby growing within me. I want someone to hold my hand and just be. I want someone to take me on dates...I want someone that will be proud to show the world that I am theirs. i want someone that looks at me with wonder in their eyes, and love in their heart. I want someone that will forgive my transgressions and know that I am only human and I make mistakes...Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-31102189345808411992010-07-29T02:11:00.001-07:002010-07-29T02:34:23.226-07:00Dreams and NightmaresI know that large amounts of what I post on here sounds depressing, when in reality I'm usually happy. This page is my diary, my innermost thoughts pouring out to drift away in space where random people can read them, and hopefully learn/relate to them. I have very few people that I trust enough to talk to about my life, so this blog is the recipient of all the thoughts I don't feel like I can share with my everyday world. <br /><br />That said, my mom called me yesterday and told me that she had a nightmare about me. She said that we were at our house, but it wasn't our house and it was pouring rain. She said that the house began to flood and she reached for me, but she couldn't hold on and I drifted away from her. She woke up abruptly and said she felt really awful about it and felt as though she should tell me. <br /><br />I think that in reality, she is afraid of my interest in Islam and feels like I am abandoning her-in essence, drifting away, or being pulled away from her. It terrifies me to hurt my momma. She is my life, next to my faith. I love her with everything in me. She essentially raised me as a single mother, and while not perfect, she did her best and always loved me. I've always taken care of her because she doesn't know how to take care of herself. My mom is so fragile, so breakable. She is hurt so easily, and is depressed often. I'm afraid that when I tell my mom I'm Muslim that she will fall apart. She is already dealing with my step dad being in a coma, my sister moving to Alabama, dealing with finances when she has never had to before, problems with my brother, that I fear I will be the person to push her over the edge. I can't lose my mom. <br /><br />But I also know that the time has come for me to tell her. I know the reaction will not be ideal, but there is no perfect timing for me. Something awful always seems to be happening so the timing is not "right." My conversion was on October 16, 2009 and two days later on October 18, 2009 my step dad was in a motorcycle accident that left him in a coma. That was the first barrier. Next my sister moving, what next? I can not keep putting off telling my family for fear that the time is wrong. There will be questions, fears, and misguided thoughts, but Insha'Allah I will have strength and patience to get through everything! Please make dua for me and my family that my reveal will be as painless as possible. Ameen!Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-57307493183221127702010-07-28T20:37:00.000-07:002010-07-28T20:40:25.321-07:00New Favorite Song: How Many Times?How many times i couldn’t sleep<br />Cause i saw you die in my dreams<br />How many times you lied to me<br />Raised my hopes and i believed<br />So many times you went away<br />Even thou you promised me to stay<br />You always said soon it'll be ok<br />But till today, nothing’s changed<br /><br />And now i know, It’s too late<br />You lost your soul, You’ll never change<br />This strength of mine, Wasn’t strong enough<br />You choose this life, Instead of love<br /><br />And now i know, It’s too late<br />You lost your soul, You’ll never change<br />This strengths of mine, Wasn’t strong enough<br />You choose this life, Instead of us<br /><br />How many times they said I’m a fool<br />But it’s your charm have faith in you<br />I always thought one day we would reunite<br />Leaving hell, reaching paradise<br />But now i know it was just a dream<br />Now i know it will never be<br />a beautiful completed family<br />you just exist in my dreams<br /><br />And now i know, It’s too late<br />You lost your soul, You’ll never change<br />This strength of mine, Wasn’t strong enough<br />You choose this life, Instead of love<br /><br />And now i know, It’s too late<br />You lost your soul, You’ll never change<br />This strengths of mine, Wasn’t strong enough<br />You choose his life, Instead of us<br />Instead of us<br />Joy DenalaneKikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-64581562669493067292010-07-27T21:31:00.000-07:002010-07-27T21:35:02.442-07:00Islam On TV :)On Hawthorne tonight they showed a Muslim family that was facing a big decision on whether to have surgery or not, and before they made a decision they prayed, Alhamdulillah! :) Idk if the actors were Muslim, but if not, then the producers actually had it researched and done properly. The words, movements were all done correctly. Thought that was pretty cool :)Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-45733170203763162532010-07-24T14:45:00.001-07:002010-07-24T14:56:12.096-07:00Never let someone be your everything, because when they are gone you have nothing...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:relyonvml/> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> 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11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.0in 1.0in 1.0in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.WordSection1 {page:WordSection1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:11;" >You might have loved me, if you had known me. If you had ever known my mind. If you would have walked through my dreams and memories. Who knows what treasures you might have found. Yes, you might have loved me. If you had only taken the time...And yet I love you. I love you more than anything in this world and there is nothing I want more than to be holding you now and forever. But maybe it's not for the best. Maybe it's true, that sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together. But I don't believe in letting go. I think that if you truly love someone, that you will fight for them. I'm not talking about stalking them, or begging. I'm talking about changing yourself to be the better person that they need, so in turn they can be better themselves. It means proving to them every day that you can be a person worthy of their love. It means making sacrifices. It means that sometimes instead of fighting, you have to love more...and sometimes you have to let down your guard, sometimes you have to let down your pride and say you were wrong, and pray that one day they forgive you...</span>Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-27429996452435789262010-07-24T13:58:00.000-07:002010-07-24T14:24:45.461-07:00SorryI'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry if I made you cry. I'm sorry for your distress. I'm sorry I hurt your pride. I'm sorry I deceived you. I'm sorry I was a lie. I'm sorry you didn't see the real me. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I wasn't what you thought. I'm sorry for the pain I caused. I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't expect anything. Just know that I really loved you, and still do. I make mistakes. Some worse than others. I hurt people. I do things that sometimes I don't understand. Most times because it seems like a good idea at the time. I have regrets. I don't relate my experiences to the rest of the world, because that is an excuse. I don't make excuses for my actions. That is weakness. I am just me. No excuses.Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-67107572693959101752010-07-23T15:05:00.001-07:002010-07-23T15:05:35.021-07:00Immigration<span>I find it ironic that there is so much hatred for immigrants in America. Do people not realize that everyone here (barring American Indians) are immigrants? The USA is made of immigrants. There is no specific culture that makes us. We are unique in the fact that we are made of so many religions/languages/cultur</span><div><wbr><span class="word_break"></span>es. If you kick out every immigrant in the US and their families, very few people would be left. <br /><br />People call out Mexicans and Muslims more often than any other group of people. I will address the Mexican part first:<br /><br />Mexican people have their origins in American Indians and Spanish settlers. Therefore, their ancestors were here before white people (well the Indian half). The US took most of the Southern half of their territory from Mexicans in war. Is it really valid to say that they are immigrants then? The southern half of the US has a culture that is rich in Mexican heritage. Our dance, food, clothing, style of living, and housing all have influences that date back to Mexico.<br /><br />Now for the Muslim part. MUSLIMS ARE NOT ALL THE SAME PEOPLE. Muslims come from Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Malaysia, Mexico, Canada, China, Europe, and *GASP* right here in the United States! Muslims are white, black, Mexican, Hispanic, Asian, etc. So to tell them to "go back where they came from" or that they are not welcome here is absurd. How can you tell someone born and raised here to "go back where they came from!" This land is not exclusively designated for white, straight, Christian people only. It is a land born of freedom, tolerance, and respect for other people. Yet once again, people have let each other down in their inability to embrace the foreign or unknown. Hatred has persevered in our hearts.<br /><br />Please, please, next time you open your mouth to spout ignorance, stop. Think. Have you researched this topic? Do you know anything about the valid points? If not, I'm begging you, keep your mouth shut! You are only showing your ignorance by spouting lies and bigotry. Everyone has a right to be here, not just you. Where would you be if America had refused your ancestors?</div>Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-85619288932182851092010-07-22T00:42:00.000-07:002010-07-22T00:48:33.297-07:00Ground Zero MosqueI was reading an article about the Ground Zero Mosque (which is not at ground zero, but two blocks away) and found this genius conversation:<br /><br />In response to the mosque being built: I do find it ironic that the NYC Islamic community wants to build a mosque at Ground Zero, where thousands of innocent Americans were killed by Islamic extremists. Doesn’t that bother anyone? Or am I just going to be branded a crazy?<br /><br />Response: Yes, how dare any Muslims step onto Manhattan. Since 9/11, it’s been a sacred Christian area, and no other religions shall be practiced there. They can keep their voodoo in NJ where it belongs.<br /><br />LOL<br /><br />But really, since when is New York a strictly Christian city? America is made of all kinds, whether it be Christian, Muslim, Jew, Hindu, etc. No religion can lay claim to an entire city. People from every religion died in the terrorist attacks, not just Christians. If Muslims can not build a mosque two blocks from ground zero, where can they build one? Is it okay six blocks away? Twelve? Who gets to draw the lines?Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-21523290989744484162010-07-20T20:44:00.000-07:002010-07-20T20:51:24.087-07:00RelationshipsI recently found this on a site and thought it was pretty accurate: "It's shocking how much guys will talk about marriage. Until there's a ring on your finger, it will be better for you if you pretend you're deaf." So many times people will say all the right things and never mean one of them. They've found all the magic codes to open another person's heart and use them to their advantage. In the Bible it says to guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of your life...This holds true even today. If we don't guard our hearts from people we run the risk of being destroyed. However, we must not take things too literally, because if we guard our hearts from everyone then we destroy ourselves. People are made to love and be loved...<br /><br /><span style="visibility: visible;" id="main"><span style="visibility: visible;" id="search">Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while <em>loving someone deeply</em> gives you courage.<br />-Lao Tzu<br /></span></span>Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-60801022972265184182010-07-19T13:04:00.000-07:002010-07-19T13:14:08.060-07:00Morning Prayers :)This morning after I got off work (at 5am!) I went to a park by my house and watched the sun rise and prayed, Alhamdullilah :) Even with cars driving by and the world waking up, it was so peaceful. I thought about my life recently and just let go of some of things I've been holding on to. I realized that some things you just can't change and that I need to just roll with it. I have an inner peace now and know that no matter what happens, it is the will of Allah and He will make things right in time...all blessings are from Allah, but all pain is also from Allah! Insha'Allah I will learn to not ask for deliverance, but only ask for grace, perseverance, and patience to deal with the issues I encounter in day to day life. It's not always supposed to be easy, but through fire we are purified.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Don't wish me happiness-I don't expect to be happy. It's gotten beyond that somehow. Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor-I will need them all. </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">-Anne Morrow Lindbergh</span><br /></span>Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-53735524946924801212010-07-19T04:44:00.000-07:002010-07-24T12:29:38.173-07:00Late Night Posting is Never a Good Idea...You know what? Sometimes you just have to look at the things you're going through and say "forget you, forget this, forget everything, I'm me. If you don't like me, forget you. If you don't like the things I do or say, forget you. Stop trying to change me into something I'm not. Sometimes I'm heartless. Sometimes I'm needy and overemotional. I may be one huge contradiction and confuse you and make you mad, but this is me. If you can't love me at my worst, you damn sure don't deserve me at my best! "<br /><br />Goodnight world :)Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-36428983746543407842010-07-18T15:28:00.000-07:002010-07-18T15:42:06.583-07:00Emotions...I've been hearing a lot lately that I'm too emotional. I think a lot of the time I bottle things up, conceal them from the outside world, until they blow up. I don't really know how to be different...<br /><br />Maybe I'm emotional<br />Maybe It's all a big lie<br />Maybe I pretend<br />and fake my way through life<br />A victim of my circumstance?<br />I don't believe in that...<br />We each make our own fate,<br />Our own circumstance.<br />So I stand here on my own<br />Shell of a woman<br />Holding whats left of my heart...<br />An actress on the stage of life<br />Playing this part, that part<br />Never revealing me<br />You think you see me<br />but you have no clue<br />This is just a shade of me<br />a mirror image of you...Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-48255062983056574122010-07-17T02:36:00.000-07:002010-07-17T02:58:48.693-07:00Crazy?Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. I sit in the dark, thoughts crowding my mind so completely that I can't sleep. Insomnia is my best friend-we go way back. My thoughts drift to darker times, times from my past that are usually hidden away. Nobody sees the inside of me. They don't see the unhappiness I feel every day. It has become commonplace to put up a front, a happy face for all to see. Very few people have seen the darkness of my mind...the twisted snarls of confusion, the intense anger for every wrong done...<br /><br />And yet there is a numbness that fills me. I don't remember what it feels like to be truly happy, to be truly loved. I feel drained, like I've given away all of me, and received nothing back. I don't remember what it feels like to be compassionate, to be caring. I go through the motions, but the feeling is not there. I cook because I'm supposed to. I call because I'm supposed to. But I feel nothing. My family, my friends, all fall away, and it's just me. I am all I have. People say they'll be there, but it's only when it is convenient for them. They dip out when you really need them...<br /><br />I miss the fire and ice, the intensity of emotions that I used to feel. I feel like I have seen too much, heard too much, experienced too much, to believe in true love anymore. It is all so fake, so contrived. What happened to loving someone for who they are, to forgiving the person you love, to loving someone so much that their faults became nonexistent? Each time I start to open myself, to show the scarred interior of my broken heart, something happens to slam it shut again. Each time it becomes harder to open...<br /><br />I am the ultimate contradiction...I am strong willed and fiercely independent...yet I crave someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I believe that women are strong enough to conquer anything, yet I don't want to be alone and I yearn for someone to tell me what is right and wrong, to be the head of my household. I hate being attached, but I can't be alone...<br /><br />They say that everyone comes with baggage...So true, but I wonder if I come with more baggage than the average person...<br /><br />Can someone so damaged be loved?Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9011080556495444824.post-39202918267314978162010-07-16T12:13:00.001-07:002010-07-16T12:13:58.970-07:00Ja'farCatch me if you can :)Kikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526717981456184991noreply@blogger.com0