What is it about you?

What is it about you that keeps me coming back? Is it your smile? Your eyes? The air of mystery that surrounds you? Or the fact that you 'get' me? Why can I not let you go? It's been almost 3 years since we broke up. I love that I can still call you my best friend, but I wish we were so much more. You know that... I'm terrified that I will never love anyone but you. When I date someone, I compare them against you to see if they are good enough. I know it's not healthy, but it's kind of hard to move on when I'm not over you. So cliche, right? I feel like I'm writing a teeny bop song or some corny movie line out of The Notebook. It feels so cruel that Allah could put someone in my life that is perfect for me in every way, yet deny me the happiness of being with them. I wish that when you looked at me, you would see the one you loved. That the very thought of living without me took your breath away-as it does mine. They say time heals all wounds, and that if you cut someone completely out of your life that it is easier to move on. I say bullshit. We tried that. For one long year we had zero contact. When we saw each other in public, we wouldn't even say hello. I emailed you April 22 to apologize for the fight we had the last time we spoke...I didn't even expect a reply. But you did. And we started talking again... May 13 you came over...we watched movies and hung out. When the time came for you to leave I was laying on the couch. I leaned up to hug you and you put your arm around me and just held me for a long time. I glanced up and your eyes were closed and you were smelling my hair like you used to. You pinched me cheek, so I bit your hand. And you kissed me. That kiss held the world for me.

A long time has passed...

...It's been almost a year since I last wrote. I ended up naming my little girl Ari Inaya. Maybe if her dad had been around more, I would have considered his name choices for her (Lillyanna Any'ah), or giving her his last name. Sadly, he couldn't be bothered to show up for the three days we were in the hospital when his daughter was born. So much has happened over the last year, and I am happy to say I no longer suffer from PPD. My little girl is happy and healthy :) My mom has moved into my extra bedroom and watches Ari while I'm at work and school. It hasn't been easy at all, but I'm making my little dysfunctional family work. We are no longer trying to make things work. Wishing something were (was?) different doesn't make it so, unfortunately.

PPD and PTSD

I have postpartum depression. He has post traumatic stress disorder. What are we doing??? I cry a lot. I don't feel like I am bonding with my daughter. I am her care giver. I hate this feeling. I hate myself. I failed her. Her dad doesn't know what he wants. Half the time we're together-when he wants to be. And the other half? I'm alone. He gets angry when I don't call, but doesn't call himself. Everything is my fault. I went out one time and all of a sudden I'm inconsiderate. Yet he says he's coming over every day and doesn't show up. I hate what my life has become. I hate him, but I can't move on. I love him. We're two very damaged people trying to make things work. At least I am. Idk what he's doing.

Almost Done!

I am now 39 weeks pregnant! Inshallah I won't be pregnant much longer :) I can't wait to see my little girl and hold her. I've had a lot of trouble with names and picking one that I find is perfect. I love Inaya but picking another name has proven almost impossible :/

Semester is finally over and I passed all my classes Alhamdulillah! And I had my last day of work a week ago so now all I am doing is waiting for my little girl.

It's funny how I have waited 39 weeks patiently, but this last week is so awful! I want her here now. I find I have little patience and am snappy a lot of the time. I was not emotional whatsoever during my pregnancy. I didn't cry or have random mood swings at all, until now. Now I feel like one big emotional wreck! Hopefully after she is born I won't be so crazy lol. I am proud that I only gained 15 lbs this entire time though! I've been walking and swimming a lot and Inshallah I will lose weight easily after she's born.

New Year Again

So here we are in 2011...it's been a long time since I started this blog, and a lot has changed since I began. I never posted as much as I said I would, or as much as I would have liked, but I keep coming back. I am now 22 weeks pregnant now and I find out February 2nd if I'm having a boy or girl! I'm due June 8 :) I haven't had a very easy pregnancy so far. I've had hyperemesis gravidum and have taken Zofran to control it since week 16. I lost 16 lbs but have gained back 5 finally. I have a new house with plenty of room for me and baby, and am taking classes this semester still. Life is looking up finally! Hopefully 2011 will be so much better than 2010!

Good luck this year ladies! Hope your year is amazing and blessed :)

New Beginnings...Again

SO big things are happening in my life right now! I told my mom I was Muslim, and Alhamdulilah she didn't take it badly! She still tells me to pray to Jesus pbuh and bought my decorative crosses for my birthday, but at least she knows my views.

On another hand, I found out that I am 8 weeks pregnant. As a Muslimah, obviously this was not a planned pregnancy because I am not married. Please, if you have negative comments, leave before you post :). I never claimed to be perfect. I have made mistakes, but I plan on moving forward as positively as possible from this point on. I believe that Allah can make blessings from any pain.

The father is Guy #3 from a previous post. We were no longer speaking when I found out I was pregnant. I had been extremely sick in september. I was diagnosed with pneumonia, bronchitis, whooping cough (pertussis), and mono. All of the medications they put my on basically made my birth control worthless, but I was never informed of this. I took a pregnancy test sept 23 and oct 4 and both came out negative, but a test on oct 8 confirmed I was pregnant. The father knows, but doesnt know if he wants to be a part of our lives. I dont know if I want him to be a part of our lives. I kind of just wish he would disappear, but I also want whats best for the baby.

So confused...

Right now I'm going through a lot of changes, and I don't really know what to do. I've lost so many friends, some of them extremely close. I'm kind of lost and feel like I'm screwing up. I feel like my life is falling apart...and that I don't know how to stop it, or really care. I just accept that this is how it is. What is it about me that makes me unlovable? I know alot of my posts are weird, but I really meant this to be an online diary of all my thoughts, not a perfect bunch of notes to be read by others. These are my raw emotions, my inner thoughts, screaming to get out. I don't think I like the person I've become...

I'm dating someone, but it's not right. I don't know how else to put it...
I feel as though he's using me. He's confusing and rude, and downright mean sometimes.
Yet I can't leave.

What is it with me that I always find the worst relationships? After Niyi it seems like the only people I seek out, are those that try to hurt me.
Guy #1 broke my heart for months, cheating on me, lying to me, judging me, and yelling at me that I wasn't good enough for him. He proposed and took it back...Only after I ended it did I find out that there was 4+ other girls he was seeing at the exact same time as me.
Guy #2 told me he wanted the world for me, that I was too good to be true. That he wanted forever with me. Then deleted me off facebook and cut off his phone line the next day and I find out through friends that he's in a relationship and they're sooooo In Love.
Guy #3 is current...I don't know where to start. He plays games, won't add me on fb, talks to girls and won't answer the phone for hours at a time, but if I talk to guys he freaks out. He has crazy mood swings and sometimes I think he could get violent. I feel so stupid because I see my stepdad in him. I see the same anger, the same violence that I hated, yet I stay. Why? He reminds me so much of Guy #1, yet hates Guy #1. Irony much? haha...Then there's his baby mama. Don't twist this, because I love his kids more than life. Bre and Jeremiah are my life, even though it's only been a short time we've been together. It amazes me, but children are so easy to love. I look at them, especially Bre, and I see my future. I want to hold them and read them bedtime stories. I want to wake up and kiss them goodbye as I drop them off at school. I feel as though there's something shady behind his baby mama. Like she's fake...

I think I fear loneliness. I'm following in my mom's footsteps exactly. She always said she stayed because she's only half of a person and couldn't live alone. I don't know if I consider myself to be half a person, but I do know that I don't want to be alone.

I want to be loved...I want to feel his arms around me, his lips on mine. I want to hear whispered I love yous. I want to see our children lying asleep in their beds. I want to feel his eyes on me and hear him tell me I'm beautiful. I want to make breakfast and have dinner ready on the table. I want everything. I don't want to settle. But I'm terrified that if I don't settle, that I'll never find anything better.