Tuesday, April 16, 2013
I am stuck in perpetual...not hell, but purgatory. A land of nothingness that blurs by, and there is no release. I have never stopped loving my daughter's dad. I hate him, yet in the same breath I want him with a passion that is uncontrollable and undeniable. I need him. I crave him. He is mine, yet has never been less so. I can't escape him. He is in my dreams. I moved in with my best friend of five years to try and have a stable life for myself and Ari, but there is no love. We are roommates pretending to date. There is no passion, no romance, no sex. I'm drowning in my bad decisions and I can't remember how to swim. I need to feel wanted. Why am I so attracted to men who are not right for me? Why can't I be attracted to the good guy? My "boyfriend" makes me feel unattractive. How can you be in a new relationship and never have sex?? I can walk around naked and he tells me to put clothes on! What the fucking fuck. I feel like it's because I'm fat. I'm so confused. Like everyone says he's been waiting to date me for years, so why the lack of intimacy? I've also become obsessed with my weight again. I ate 321 calories yesterday and worked out for 3 hours. Then I went to see my ex. He makes me feel sexy and beautiful in a way that my current boyfriend doesn't. I never imagined I would be the asshole that cheats. What have I become? I just can't let go, no matter how many times he proves that he doesn't want to be with me. Urghhghghg. I need a new perspective on life. I need to move away from him to get him out of my life. But then I'm running from my problems. I thought life would be so much simpler after this move. It's only become more complicated.