PPD and PTSD

I have postpartum depression. He has post traumatic stress disorder. What are we doing??? I cry a lot. I don't feel like I am bonding with my daughter. I am her care giver. I hate this feeling. I hate myself. I failed her. Her dad doesn't know what he wants. Half the time we're together-when he wants to be. And the other half? I'm alone. He gets angry when I don't call, but doesn't call himself. Everything is my fault. I went out one time and all of a sudden I'm inconsiderate. Yet he says he's coming over every day and doesn't show up. I hate what my life has become. I hate him, but I can't move on. I love him. We're two very damaged people trying to make things work. At least I am. Idk what he's doing.

Almost Done!

I am now 39 weeks pregnant! Inshallah I won't be pregnant much longer :) I can't wait to see my little girl and hold her. I've had a lot of trouble with names and picking one that I find is perfect. I love Inaya but picking another name has proven almost impossible :/

Semester is finally over and I passed all my classes Alhamdulillah! And I had my last day of work a week ago so now all I am doing is waiting for my little girl.

It's funny how I have waited 39 weeks patiently, but this last week is so awful! I want her here now. I find I have little patience and am snappy a lot of the time. I was not emotional whatsoever during my pregnancy. I didn't cry or have random mood swings at all, until now. Now I feel like one big emotional wreck! Hopefully after she is born I won't be so crazy lol. I am proud that I only gained 15 lbs this entire time though! I've been walking and swimming a lot and Inshallah I will lose weight easily after she's born.

New Year Again

So here we are in 2011...it's been a long time since I started this blog, and a lot has changed since I began. I never posted as much as I said I would, or as much as I would have liked, but I keep coming back. I am now 22 weeks pregnant now and I find out February 2nd if I'm having a boy or girl! I'm due June 8 :) I haven't had a very easy pregnancy so far. I've had hyperemesis gravidum and have taken Zofran to control it since week 16. I lost 16 lbs but have gained back 5 finally. I have a new house with plenty of room for me and baby, and am taking classes this semester still. Life is looking up finally! Hopefully 2011 will be so much better than 2010!

Good luck this year ladies! Hope your year is amazing and blessed :)

New Beginnings...Again

SO big things are happening in my life right now! I told my mom I was Muslim, and Alhamdulilah she didn't take it badly! She still tells me to pray to Jesus pbuh and bought my decorative crosses for my birthday, but at least she knows my views.

On another hand, I found out that I am 8 weeks pregnant. As a Muslimah, obviously this was not a planned pregnancy because I am not married. Please, if you have negative comments, leave before you post :). I never claimed to be perfect. I have made mistakes, but I plan on moving forward as positively as possible from this point on. I believe that Allah can make blessings from any pain.

The father is Guy #3 from a previous post. We were no longer speaking when I found out I was pregnant. I had been extremely sick in september. I was diagnosed with pneumonia, bronchitis, whooping cough (pertussis), and mono. All of the medications they put my on basically made my birth control worthless, but I was never informed of this. I took a pregnancy test sept 23 and oct 4 and both came out negative, but a test on oct 8 confirmed I was pregnant. The father knows, but doesnt know if he wants to be a part of our lives. I dont know if I want him to be a part of our lives. I kind of just wish he would disappear, but I also want whats best for the baby.

So confused...

Right now I'm going through a lot of changes, and I don't really know what to do. I've lost so many friends, some of them extremely close. I'm kind of lost and feel like I'm screwing up. I feel like my life is falling apart...and that I don't know how to stop it, or really care. I just accept that this is how it is. What is it about me that makes me unlovable? I know alot of my posts are weird, but I really meant this to be an online diary of all my thoughts, not a perfect bunch of notes to be read by others. These are my raw emotions, my inner thoughts, screaming to get out. I don't think I like the person I've become...

I'm dating someone, but it's not right. I don't know how else to put it...
I feel as though he's using me. He's confusing and rude, and downright mean sometimes.
Yet I can't leave.

What is it with me that I always find the worst relationships? After Niyi it seems like the only people I seek out, are those that try to hurt me.
Guy #1 broke my heart for months, cheating on me, lying to me, judging me, and yelling at me that I wasn't good enough for him. He proposed and took it back...Only after I ended it did I find out that there was 4+ other girls he was seeing at the exact same time as me.
Guy #2 told me he wanted the world for me, that I was too good to be true. That he wanted forever with me. Then deleted me off facebook and cut off his phone line the next day and I find out through friends that he's in a relationship and they're sooooo In Love.
Guy #3 is current...I don't know where to start. He plays games, won't add me on fb, talks to girls and won't answer the phone for hours at a time, but if I talk to guys he freaks out. He has crazy mood swings and sometimes I think he could get violent. I feel so stupid because I see my stepdad in him. I see the same anger, the same violence that I hated, yet I stay. Why? He reminds me so much of Guy #1, yet hates Guy #1. Irony much? haha...Then there's his baby mama. Don't twist this, because I love his kids more than life. Bre and Jeremiah are my life, even though it's only been a short time we've been together. It amazes me, but children are so easy to love. I look at them, especially Bre, and I see my future. I want to hold them and read them bedtime stories. I want to wake up and kiss them goodbye as I drop them off at school. I feel as though there's something shady behind his baby mama. Like she's fake...

I think I fear loneliness. I'm following in my mom's footsteps exactly. She always said she stayed because she's only half of a person and couldn't live alone. I don't know if I consider myself to be half a person, but I do know that I don't want to be alone.

I want to be loved...I want to feel his arms around me, his lips on mine. I want to hear whispered I love yous. I want to see our children lying asleep in their beds. I want to feel his eyes on me and hear him tell me I'm beautiful. I want to make breakfast and have dinner ready on the table. I want everything. I don't want to settle. But I'm terrified that if I don't settle, that I'll never find anything better.

I'm not trying to say I don't want you, because I do...all I'm saying is I'm done chasing after you

I love you. But that's not enough...I chase you, beg you to see me, talk to me, but you reject me. You would rather be out with friends, or even just watching tv. You tell me that you miss me, want to see me, but you can't even take out a few hours to see me? Something is wrong with this picture! If I was important to you, you would make me a priority. And yet I hold on. Almost as if I'm waiting for you to see how much I care, as if how much I love you could change how you feel about me, how you treat me. Do you even see me? Or just what I can do for you? Am I the filler in your day when you have nothing better to do? Or worse, the filler in your life until you find the woman you actually want to be with?

Up off my knees

I realized today that I did something that I said I would never do. I begged someone to be with me, to forgive me. I belittled myself before them, and got nothing in return.

But now, I am up off my knees. I am no longer begging. I am not perfect, but I know that I have qualities within myself that are desirable by others. I am caring, compassionate, and I love to take care of those I love.

I have always been independent, and strong. I do not need someone to validate who I am. I love who I am. I make mistakes. I am goofy and silly and very blonde. I trip over random (non)cracks in the sidewalk, then laugh. I love to argue/debate, and I hate to lose. I'm clumsy and awful at sports. I am ridiculously feminine, but I can get down with the best tomboys. I can shoot a bulls eye with a .357 11 out of 12 times. I desperately love my family, and my faith is what drives me. I would love to have someone in my life, but the truth is, if someone does not love me for me, then they are not meant to be in my life!