SO big things are happening in my life right now! I told my mom I was Muslim, and Alhamdulilah she didn't take it badly! She still tells me to pray to Jesus pbuh and bought my decorative crosses for my birthday, but at least she knows my views.
On another hand, I found out that I am 8 weeks pregnant. As a Muslimah, obviously this was not a planned pregnancy because I am not married. Please, if you have negative comments, leave before you post :). I never claimed to be perfect. I have made mistakes, but I plan on moving forward as positively as possible from this point on. I believe that Allah can make blessings from any pain.
The father is Guy #3 from a previous post. We were no longer speaking when I found out I was pregnant. I had been extremely sick in september. I was diagnosed with pneumonia, bronchitis, whooping cough (pertussis), and mono. All of the medications they put my on basically made my birth control worthless, but I was never informed of this. I took a pregnancy test sept 23 and oct 4 and both came out negative, but a test on oct 8 confirmed I was pregnant. The father knows, but doesnt know if he wants to be a part of our lives. I dont know if I want him to be a part of our lives. I kind of just wish he would disappear, but I also want whats best for the baby.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
So confused...
Right now I'm going through a lot of changes, and I don't really know what to do. I've lost so many friends, some of them extremely close. I'm kind of lost and feel like I'm screwing up. I feel like my life is falling apart...and that I don't know how to stop it, or really care. I just accept that this is how it is. What is it about me that makes me unlovable? I know alot of my posts are weird, but I really meant this to be an online diary of all my thoughts, not a perfect bunch of notes to be read by others. These are my raw emotions, my inner thoughts, screaming to get out. I don't think I like the person I've become...
I'm dating someone, but it's not right. I don't know how else to put it...
I feel as though he's using me. He's confusing and rude, and downright mean sometimes.
Yet I can't leave.
What is it with me that I always find the worst relationships? After Niyi it seems like the only people I seek out, are those that try to hurt me.
Guy #1 broke my heart for months, cheating on me, lying to me, judging me, and yelling at me that I wasn't good enough for him. He proposed and took it back...Only after I ended it did I find out that there was 4+ other girls he was seeing at the exact same time as me.
Guy #2 told me he wanted the world for me, that I was too good to be true. That he wanted forever with me. Then deleted me off facebook and cut off his phone line the next day and I find out through friends that he's in a relationship and they're sooooo In Love.
Guy #3 is current...I don't know where to start. He plays games, won't add me on fb, talks to girls and won't answer the phone for hours at a time, but if I talk to guys he freaks out. He has crazy mood swings and sometimes I think he could get violent. I feel so stupid because I see my stepdad in him. I see the same anger, the same violence that I hated, yet I stay. Why? He reminds me so much of Guy #1, yet hates Guy #1. Irony much? haha...Then there's his baby mama. Don't twist this, because I love his kids more than life. Bre and Jeremiah are my life, even though it's only been a short time we've been together. It amazes me, but children are so easy to love. I look at them, especially Bre, and I see my future. I want to hold them and read them bedtime stories. I want to wake up and kiss them goodbye as I drop them off at school. I feel as though there's something shady behind his baby mama. Like she's fake...
I think I fear loneliness. I'm following in my mom's footsteps exactly. She always said she stayed because she's only half of a person and couldn't live alone. I don't know if I consider myself to be half a person, but I do know that I don't want to be alone.
I want to be loved...I want to feel his arms around me, his lips on mine. I want to hear whispered I love yous. I want to see our children lying asleep in their beds. I want to feel his eyes on me and hear him tell me I'm beautiful. I want to make breakfast and have dinner ready on the table. I want everything. I don't want to settle. But I'm terrified that if I don't settle, that I'll never find anything better.
I'm dating someone, but it's not right. I don't know how else to put it...
I feel as though he's using me. He's confusing and rude, and downright mean sometimes.
Yet I can't leave.
What is it with me that I always find the worst relationships? After Niyi it seems like the only people I seek out, are those that try to hurt me.
Guy #1 broke my heart for months, cheating on me, lying to me, judging me, and yelling at me that I wasn't good enough for him. He proposed and took it back...Only after I ended it did I find out that there was 4+ other girls he was seeing at the exact same time as me.
Guy #2 told me he wanted the world for me, that I was too good to be true. That he wanted forever with me. Then deleted me off facebook and cut off his phone line the next day and I find out through friends that he's in a relationship and they're sooooo In Love.
Guy #3 is current...I don't know where to start. He plays games, won't add me on fb, talks to girls and won't answer the phone for hours at a time, but if I talk to guys he freaks out. He has crazy mood swings and sometimes I think he could get violent. I feel so stupid because I see my stepdad in him. I see the same anger, the same violence that I hated, yet I stay. Why? He reminds me so much of Guy #1, yet hates Guy #1. Irony much? haha...Then there's his baby mama. Don't twist this, because I love his kids more than life. Bre and Jeremiah are my life, even though it's only been a short time we've been together. It amazes me, but children are so easy to love. I look at them, especially Bre, and I see my future. I want to hold them and read them bedtime stories. I want to wake up and kiss them goodbye as I drop them off at school. I feel as though there's something shady behind his baby mama. Like she's fake...
I think I fear loneliness. I'm following in my mom's footsteps exactly. She always said she stayed because she's only half of a person and couldn't live alone. I don't know if I consider myself to be half a person, but I do know that I don't want to be alone.
I want to be loved...I want to feel his arms around me, his lips on mine. I want to hear whispered I love yous. I want to see our children lying asleep in their beds. I want to feel his eyes on me and hear him tell me I'm beautiful. I want to make breakfast and have dinner ready on the table. I want everything. I don't want to settle. But I'm terrified that if I don't settle, that I'll never find anything better.
Monday, August 2, 2010
I'm not trying to say I don't want you, because I do...all I'm saying is I'm done chasing after you
I love you. But that's not enough...I chase you, beg you to see me, talk to me, but you reject me. You would rather be out with friends, or even just watching tv. You tell me that you miss me, want to see me, but you can't even take out a few hours to see me? Something is wrong with this picture! If I was important to you, you would make me a priority. And yet I hold on. Almost as if I'm waiting for you to see how much I care, as if how much I love you could change how you feel about me, how you treat me. Do you even see me? Or just what I can do for you? Am I the filler in your day when you have nothing better to do? Or worse, the filler in your life until you find the woman you actually want to be with?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Up off my knees
I realized today that I did something that I said I would never do. I begged someone to be with me, to forgive me. I belittled myself before them, and got nothing in return.
But now, I am up off my knees. I am no longer begging. I am not perfect, but I know that I have qualities within myself that are desirable by others. I am caring, compassionate, and I love to take care of those I love.
I have always been independent, and strong. I do not need someone to validate who I am. I love who I am. I make mistakes. I am goofy and silly and very blonde. I trip over random (non)cracks in the sidewalk, then laugh. I love to argue/debate, and I hate to lose. I'm clumsy and awful at sports. I am ridiculously feminine, but I can get down with the best tomboys. I can shoot a bulls eye with a .357 11 out of 12 times. I desperately love my family, and my faith is what drives me. I would love to have someone in my life, but the truth is, if someone does not love me for me, then they are not meant to be in my life!
But now, I am up off my knees. I am no longer begging. I am not perfect, but I know that I have qualities within myself that are desirable by others. I am caring, compassionate, and I love to take care of those I love.
I have always been independent, and strong. I do not need someone to validate who I am. I love who I am. I make mistakes. I am goofy and silly and very blonde. I trip over random (non)cracks in the sidewalk, then laugh. I love to argue/debate, and I hate to lose. I'm clumsy and awful at sports. I am ridiculously feminine, but I can get down with the best tomboys. I can shoot a bulls eye with a .357 11 out of 12 times. I desperately love my family, and my faith is what drives me. I would love to have someone in my life, but the truth is, if someone does not love me for me, then they are not meant to be in my life!
Relationship
I want a legitimate relationship. I want someone who is just mine. No gray areas, no maybes. Someone to be there for me, to listen when I need them..Someone I can hold and that will hold me when I need to be held...I want someone to kiss me randomly, just because they felt like it. I want someone to call me or text me out of the blue...someone that remembers all my little quirks, and loves me anyway. I want a love that withstands time, that is all the cliches...I want someone to fight with, to debate with, to be mad at...someone to cuddle with, and spoil like crazy. I want someone that I can buy random things for just because I know that he'll like them...I want someone to cook dinner for every night...I'm ready to be married...to come home to the man I love every day. I want to know that until the end of my days on Earth I have someone to call my own, as much as a person can be mine. I want someone to have children with, that will hold my stomach as it swells and talk to the baby growing within me. I want someone to hold my hand and just be. I want someone to take me on dates...I want someone that will be proud to show the world that I am theirs. i want someone that looks at me with wonder in their eyes, and love in their heart. I want someone that will forgive my transgressions and know that I am only human and I make mistakes...
Dreams and Nightmares
I know that large amounts of what I post on here sounds depressing, when in reality I'm usually happy. This page is my diary, my innermost thoughts pouring out to drift away in space where random people can read them, and hopefully learn/relate to them. I have very few people that I trust enough to talk to about my life, so this blog is the recipient of all the thoughts I don't feel like I can share with my everyday world.
That said, my mom called me yesterday and told me that she had a nightmare about me. She said that we were at our house, but it wasn't our house and it was pouring rain. She said that the house began to flood and she reached for me, but she couldn't hold on and I drifted away from her. She woke up abruptly and said she felt really awful about it and felt as though she should tell me.
I think that in reality, she is afraid of my interest in Islam and feels like I am abandoning her-in essence, drifting away, or being pulled away from her. It terrifies me to hurt my momma. She is my life, next to my faith. I love her with everything in me. She essentially raised me as a single mother, and while not perfect, she did her best and always loved me. I've always taken care of her because she doesn't know how to take care of herself. My mom is so fragile, so breakable. She is hurt so easily, and is depressed often. I'm afraid that when I tell my mom I'm Muslim that she will fall apart. She is already dealing with my step dad being in a coma, my sister moving to Alabama, dealing with finances when she has never had to before, problems with my brother, that I fear I will be the person to push her over the edge. I can't lose my mom.
But I also know that the time has come for me to tell her. I know the reaction will not be ideal, but there is no perfect timing for me. Something awful always seems to be happening so the timing is not "right." My conversion was on October 16, 2009 and two days later on October 18, 2009 my step dad was in a motorcycle accident that left him in a coma. That was the first barrier. Next my sister moving, what next? I can not keep putting off telling my family for fear that the time is wrong. There will be questions, fears, and misguided thoughts, but Insha'Allah I will have strength and patience to get through everything! Please make dua for me and my family that my reveal will be as painless as possible. Ameen!
That said, my mom called me yesterday and told me that she had a nightmare about me. She said that we were at our house, but it wasn't our house and it was pouring rain. She said that the house began to flood and she reached for me, but she couldn't hold on and I drifted away from her. She woke up abruptly and said she felt really awful about it and felt as though she should tell me.
I think that in reality, she is afraid of my interest in Islam and feels like I am abandoning her-in essence, drifting away, or being pulled away from her. It terrifies me to hurt my momma. She is my life, next to my faith. I love her with everything in me. She essentially raised me as a single mother, and while not perfect, she did her best and always loved me. I've always taken care of her because she doesn't know how to take care of herself. My mom is so fragile, so breakable. She is hurt so easily, and is depressed often. I'm afraid that when I tell my mom I'm Muslim that she will fall apart. She is already dealing with my step dad being in a coma, my sister moving to Alabama, dealing with finances when she has never had to before, problems with my brother, that I fear I will be the person to push her over the edge. I can't lose my mom.
But I also know that the time has come for me to tell her. I know the reaction will not be ideal, but there is no perfect timing for me. Something awful always seems to be happening so the timing is not "right." My conversion was on October 16, 2009 and two days later on October 18, 2009 my step dad was in a motorcycle accident that left him in a coma. That was the first barrier. Next my sister moving, what next? I can not keep putting off telling my family for fear that the time is wrong. There will be questions, fears, and misguided thoughts, but Insha'Allah I will have strength and patience to get through everything! Please make dua for me and my family that my reveal will be as painless as possible. Ameen!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
New Favorite Song: How Many Times?
How many times i couldn’t sleep
Cause i saw you die in my dreams
How many times you lied to me
Raised my hopes and i believed
So many times you went away
Even thou you promised me to stay
You always said soon it'll be ok
But till today, nothing’s changed
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strength of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose this life, Instead of love
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strengths of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose this life, Instead of us
How many times they said I’m a fool
But it’s your charm have faith in you
I always thought one day we would reunite
Leaving hell, reaching paradise
But now i know it was just a dream
Now i know it will never be
a beautiful completed family
you just exist in my dreams
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strength of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose this life, Instead of love
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strengths of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose his life, Instead of us
Instead of us
Joy Denalane
Cause i saw you die in my dreams
How many times you lied to me
Raised my hopes and i believed
So many times you went away
Even thou you promised me to stay
You always said soon it'll be ok
But till today, nothing’s changed
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strength of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose this life, Instead of love
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strengths of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose this life, Instead of us
How many times they said I’m a fool
But it’s your charm have faith in you
I always thought one day we would reunite
Leaving hell, reaching paradise
But now i know it was just a dream
Now i know it will never be
a beautiful completed family
you just exist in my dreams
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strength of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose this life, Instead of love
And now i know, It’s too late
You lost your soul, You’ll never change
This strengths of mine, Wasn’t strong enough
You choose his life, Instead of us
Instead of us
Joy Denalane
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