Circles

I am stuck in perpetual...not hell, but purgatory. A land of nothingness that blurs by, and there is no release. I have never stopped loving my daughter's dad. I hate him, yet in the same breath I want him with a passion that is uncontrollable and undeniable. I need him. I crave him. He is mine, yet has never been less so. I can't escape him. He is in my dreams. I moved in with my best friend of five years to try and have a stable life for myself and Ari, but there is no love. We are roommates pretending to date. There is no passion, no romance, no sex. I'm drowning in my bad decisions and I can't remember how to swim. I need to feel wanted. Why am I so attracted to men who are not right for me? Why can't I be attracted to the good guy? My "boyfriend" makes me feel unattractive. How can you be in a new relationship and never have sex?? I can walk around naked and he tells me to put clothes on! What the fucking fuck. I feel like it's because I'm fat. I'm so confused. Like everyone says he's been waiting to date me for years, so why the lack of intimacy? I've also become obsessed with my weight again. I ate 321 calories yesterday and worked out for 3 hours. Then I went to see my ex. He makes me feel sexy and beautiful in a way that my current boyfriend doesn't. I never imagined I would be the asshole that cheats. What have I become? I just can't let go, no matter how many times he proves that he doesn't want to be with me. Urghhghghg. I need a new perspective on life. I need to move away from him to get him out of my life. But then I'm running from my problems. I thought life would be so much simpler after this move. It's only become more complicated.

Lies?

I feel like no one has been truthful. I have lied, but so have you. For months, we kept secrets, kept each other in the dark. You deny your part, but every part of my body screams that you have been untrue. Mutual friends warned me, saying that you told many girls the same words you were whispering to me...

For so many months, I caught you in lies, but never said a word. You took advantage of me, showing up late at night, smelling like things you said you didn't do. You took me as a fool, something that I did nothing to help. I looked the other way for everything, because I wanted so badly to be with you.

But we're both to blame. Maybe we were never meant to be together...maybe we made more of this than it was ever supposed to be.

What is it about you?

What is it about you that keeps me coming back? Is it your smile? Your eyes? The air of mystery that surrounds you? Or the fact that you 'get' me? Why can I not let you go? It's been almost 3 years since we broke up. I love that I can still call you my best friend, but I wish we were so much more. You know that... I'm terrified that I will never love anyone but you. When I date someone, I compare them against you to see if they are good enough. I know it's not healthy, but it's kind of hard to move on when I'm not over you. So cliche, right? I feel like I'm writing a teeny bop song or some corny movie line out of The Notebook. It feels so cruel that Allah could put someone in my life that is perfect for me in every way, yet deny me the happiness of being with them. I wish that when you looked at me, you would see the one you loved. That the very thought of living without me took your breath away-as it does mine. They say time heals all wounds, and that if you cut someone completely out of your life that it is easier to move on. I say bullshit. We tried that. For one long year we had zero contact. When we saw each other in public, we wouldn't even say hello. I emailed you April 22 to apologize for the fight we had the last time we spoke...I didn't even expect a reply. But you did. And we started talking again... May 13 you came over...we watched movies and hung out. When the time came for you to leave I was laying on the couch. I leaned up to hug you and you put your arm around me and just held me for a long time. I glanced up and your eyes were closed and you were smelling my hair like you used to. You pinched me cheek, so I bit your hand. And you kissed me. That kiss held the world for me.

A long time has passed...

...It's been almost a year since I last wrote. I ended up naming my little girl Ari Inaya. Maybe if her dad had been around more, I would have considered his name choices for her (Lillyanna Any'ah), or giving her his last name. Sadly, he couldn't be bothered to show up for the three days we were in the hospital when his daughter was born. So much has happened over the last year, and I am happy to say I no longer suffer from PPD. My little girl is happy and healthy :) My mom has moved into my extra bedroom and watches Ari while I'm at work and school. It hasn't been easy at all, but I'm making my little dysfunctional family work. We are no longer trying to make things work. Wishing something were (was?) different doesn't make it so, unfortunately.

PPD and PTSD

I have postpartum depression. He has post traumatic stress disorder. What are we doing??? I cry a lot. I don't feel like I am bonding with my daughter. I am her care giver. I hate this feeling. I hate myself. I failed her. Her dad doesn't know what he wants. Half the time we're together-when he wants to be. And the other half? I'm alone. He gets angry when I don't call, but doesn't call himself. Everything is my fault. I went out one time and all of a sudden I'm inconsiderate. Yet he says he's coming over every day and doesn't show up. I hate what my life has become. I hate him, but I can't move on. I love him. We're two very damaged people trying to make things work. At least I am. Idk what he's doing.

Almost Done!

I am now 39 weeks pregnant! Inshallah I won't be pregnant much longer :) I can't wait to see my little girl and hold her. I've had a lot of trouble with names and picking one that I find is perfect. I love Inaya but picking another name has proven almost impossible :/

Semester is finally over and I passed all my classes Alhamdulillah! And I had my last day of work a week ago so now all I am doing is waiting for my little girl.

It's funny how I have waited 39 weeks patiently, but this last week is so awful! I want her here now. I find I have little patience and am snappy a lot of the time. I was not emotional whatsoever during my pregnancy. I didn't cry or have random mood swings at all, until now. Now I feel like one big emotional wreck! Hopefully after she is born I won't be so crazy lol. I am proud that I only gained 15 lbs this entire time though! I've been walking and swimming a lot and Inshallah I will lose weight easily after she's born.

New Year Again

So here we are in 2011...it's been a long time since I started this blog, and a lot has changed since I began. I never posted as much as I said I would, or as much as I would have liked, but I keep coming back. I am now 22 weeks pregnant now and I find out February 2nd if I'm having a boy or girl! I'm due June 8 :) I haven't had a very easy pregnancy so far. I've had hyperemesis gravidum and have taken Zofran to control it since week 16. I lost 16 lbs but have gained back 5 finally. I have a new house with plenty of room for me and baby, and am taking classes this semester still. Life is looking up finally! Hopefully 2011 will be so much better than 2010!

Good luck this year ladies! Hope your year is amazing and blessed :)